Retrospect has brought some fond memories. In the midst of youth, there were times where my heart fluttered yet I was too distracted to notice.
I didn’t understand it as a kid in elementary school. The first girl I liked was liked by most of the boys in 5th grade. She loved dolphins and wrote about it in a class activity. At the opportunity to impress her, I ended up annoying her.
You probably don’t remember. I felt bad and wanted to apologize. Somehow, I understood pride. Courage, however, was far from me.
I knew my chances were over. So, my young mind wondered to a girl who just arrived to our school. I had big crush on her. But most of my friends liked her, too. When I didn’t get any attention, I made it business to show everyone I didn’t like her. Inside my little naive heart, I adored her.
I was mean to you for no reason. I had a crush on you for sure. Every snarky look was out of boyish infatuation. Typical yet truthful.
I had a crush in middle school. It was mutual, at least it felt mutual. I was so caught up in being tough. I found my macho bravado but lacked the courage to tell the girl I half-ass carried to the nurse’s office that I liked her.
You were as sweet as a ripe peach, so pretty that I was afraid to maim your beauty with my bald, oily fingers.
High school was different. With no car I felt inadequate. I put all of my focus into school. Of course, my crushy vibes continued. It was without measure. It was a race, and I was way behind all the other dudes.
I got bold one day. On Valentine’s Day 2006, I gave my crush a poem. I spelled her name wrong though. How cute. Unfortunately, she was dating someone else.
I should’ve pursued you more. The opportunity like many others went by, and I let it happen.
Most of all, I let a jewel in my adulthood slip away. The boyish habits sustained. The petite beauty persisted. I ignored her thinking only of my selfish desire.
This uncoventional letter, this confessional blunder of words, is regret.
As a kid, I wasn’t supposed to understand the ins and outs of courtship. As an adult, however, I was conscious. I complained about being lonely while the lady that burned for me raised her hand.
Life granted me ambition. I’ve been married to it for a long time. I didn’t think there was enough room for a girlfriend. What I didn’t realize was the room I had within my life. I was selfish.
There was enough room for you.
Although our time has long since passed, I’m here to say that I never forgot you. You left me an impression that I’ll treasure for life. And for that, I thank you.